SINISTER INCORPORATED

 

The AA Milne character you are most like

 

 

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Character – Christopher Robin

Slightly effeminate, you think the height of fashion is wearing a pair of stupid blue shorts. You are also a bully and insulting to your best friends, constantly calling them "silly" and inferring that they are thick. However, you could find yourself in difficulties when your most bestest friend in the whole world grows up - bears tend to hold onto insults for a long time. Serves you right you little git.

 

 

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

Character – Kanga

You find it difficult to let go when it comes to offspring and insist they come home every night. You are also an illegal immigrant from Australia and will shortly be deported and shot. Bummer.

 

 

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Character – Owl

You are wise and intelligent, and tend to see both sides of every argument. This could be because you are capable of rotating your head a full 360 degrees. Remember though, everyone hates a smart arse. Especially one that leaves smelly pellets everywhere.

 

 

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

Character – Roo

A typical Cancerian, you tend to hide away in your mother’s pouch where it’s quiet and safe, and cosy. Well you’d better get used to the outside world buddy-boy ‘cos mummy isn’t going to be around forever. It’s hunting season and before you know it, she’ll be dog food. So get a job you lazy bastard.

 

 

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Character – Piglet

You are small and insignificant, yet strangely; people seem to like you. I can’t think why this should be as you spend most of your day rolling around in mud and getting your stripy jumper covered in crap.

 

 

VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept. 22)

Character – A Heffalump

As subtle as a nuclear explosion, you tend to leave bloody great footprints wherever you walk. You find buying shoes to be a troublesome task and you could really do with a nose job, but at least you are capable of drinking water from the lake without kneeling down first – if you can call that a consolation.

 

 

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Character – Winnie the Pooh

You have very little brains and a dangerous obsession with honey that is bound to end in tears. Your name sounds particularly stupid and your best friend constantly drags you about – so much so that your right arm is hanging off by its stitches – and your next best friend smells of faeces. You have a burning desire to go and see the big city, but know deep down that such a trip would merely result in you becoming a burned-out desperate alcoholic, living desolately beneath cruddy old wet cardboard in a dirty old park for the rest of your sad miserable life. Best stick to what you know – you may even get to like living in trees after a few more years.

 

 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Character – Tigger

Do you realise how intensely annoying you are as you bounce around the wood? Do you? Well it’s time someone told you and I guess it’s been left to me. I suppose you think it’s clever to use your tail as a pogo stick do you? Well it’s not and what’s more, it’s starting to get everyone’s back up. Watch out on Thursday as you could wake up to find your feet stapled to the floor. Ha!

 

 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Character – Eeyore

Just thinking about you gets me depressed – you sad loser. Why are you reading this stuff anyway? Tomorrow is going to be just as crap as today. Probably worse actually, especially if that Tigger-thing comes along to spoil everything. Tell you what, there’s a staple-gun in Christopher Robin’s house…

 

 

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Character – Rabbit

You are a sexual dynamo, constantly on the go with others of your kind, trying desperately to fill the world up with little baby rabbits and turn the wood into "Watership Down". Unfortunately, you have contracted myxomatosis and will shortly die, but hey – you’ve led a good life so far, so why complain?

 

 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Character – A Bee

You have lots of friends and an instinct to stick together with them. This could be because you are covered in honey and find it difficult to get away from it all as a result.

 

 

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Character – a Pooh-stick

Yes, I’m running out of ideas for these stupid horoscopes – but so what? YOU try and think of some more characters I could have included! Well – can you? Didn’t think so. This is because you are just a stupid piece of wood, which is only fit for being thrown into rivers by moronic bears and pigs covered in poo. That's poo without the 'H' in case you hadn't noticed.

 

 

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