What sort of weird junkie Scot best fits your birth sign?
ARIES (March 21 - April
19)
Character – Mother Superior
So named because of the
length of your habit, not many people realise that your outward appearance as a
high-profile supplier of Class A drugs to the local community is merely a
cover. In truth, your name is Derek, and you are a reporter for North Today - a local community programme made by the BBC, on an undercover mission to
investigate the drugs trade. Unfortunately, due to a basic administrative error
in the BBC Personnel Department by an underpaid and disillusioned junior clerk,
you seem to have been overlooked for the last six years, with the result that
your unlimited budget, originally intended to run for only two months, now
funds the Heroin industry for half of Scotland. You are beginning to wonder if
you will ever see your wife and three children ever again - but never mind, the
money comes in handy.
TAURUS (April 20 - May
20)
Character – Renton
With your fifteen 'A'
levels and degree in Physics, some people might have thought that you were
destined for great things in life. But who wants a career in thermo-dynamics
and nuclear physics in this post Cold War world anyway? Not you apparently, oh
no. Much more fun to throw your life away in an orgy of drugs, sex, alcohol,
theft and deception. Hmmm, that sounds quite cool actually. No wonder you are
so likeable. You also bear a striking resemblance to a young Obi-Wan Kenobi,
but without the rat-tail on the back of your head. Are you any good with a
Lightsaber? And do you remember ever owning a Droid?
GEMINI (May 21 - June
20)
Character – ???
I don't know your name, but
you are the drug-dealer guy who buys the smack near the end of the film.
Actually, I think it's quite incredible how you managed to come back to life
and grow your hands back after they were hacksawed off in "Shallow
Grave". I guess modern medical science has come a long way since I was
young.
CANCER (June 21 - July
22)
Character – ???
No, I don't know your name
either (look, just get off my case will you?) but you are the stupid American
tourist who turns up at the pub' and says "Pardon me, may I use your
bathroom?" and proceeds to be beaten up and mugged in the toilets by our
heroes. I mean, what sort of dillweed are you? Do you see ME arriving in New
York and demanding to use the facilities? Not without a support team you don't.
And certainly not in a bright red jacket. You might as well carry a neon sign
around with you which says "I've got lots of money, and I don't know where
I am and no-one else does either so please kill me" - except that you
would need to drive a Winnebago around to carry the batteries, and they
actually have toilets on board, and I appear to have typed myself into a
corner, so it must be time for Leo now surely?
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Character – Begbie
You are a shy, quiet and
retiring character at heart, who only occasionally flies off the handle and
decides to smash beer glasses into the faces of complete strangers. Your
friendly insults to your friends are often mistaken as cruel jibes and threats
to kill them, which is a pity as you can often be very generous when it suits
the occasion - for example, you only carry a replica handgun when robbing
jewellery stores so that nobody gets hurt. Awww, that's sweet. If only the
Police knew what a decent chap you were, you would surely be immediately
removed from their "Most Wanted" list and given a medal for your
calm, reasonable outlook on life. Yeah, right, you complete PSYCHO!!
VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.
22)
Character – Dale Winton
Yes, DALE WINTON. No doubt
you are wondering WHY you are like Dale Winton - or even where the bloody hell
Mr Winton appears in the film? Tut, tut, please pay more attention in future.
The truth is, I just wanted to slag off Dale Winton, because he's a talentless
faggot with silly hair and a stupid shiny pink suit.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct.
22)
Character – Spud
No one knows quite why you
have been nicknamed after a root plant; perhaps it is because you resemble Mr
Potato Head with your stupid glasses and inane grin. Or maybe you like to eat
lots of chips, I don't know - either way, you have a tendency to poo the bed
after a heavy night and that can't be good. Ever consider wearing a nappy?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov.
21)
Character – Sick Boy
The only good thing I can
find to say about you is that you do a very good impression of Sean Connery.
Actually, it's not all that good come to think of it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -
Dec. 21)
Character – Tommy
You are the man who has
everything - a great flat, some cool clothes, a huge TV and a gorgeous
girlfriend. Alas, despite the fact that you are fit, clean of any drug
addiction and earning a reasonable wage - your blonde curly hair will be your
ultimate DOOM. An unfortunate misunderstanding between you, your girlfriend,
the video rental shop and your supposed "best mate" will soon see you
adopting a cat with questionable hygiene, and we all know where that can lead.
Yes, you will open a cattery. Hang on, that can't be right...
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 -
Jan. 19)
Character – Diane
Wow, it's amazing what they
teach schoolgirls these days. Not only can you give the brush-off to men you
don't like with consummate ease (whilst stealing their drinks and looking
fabulous in a sort of low-slung silvery party dress type thing), but you can
also read men's minds and psychoanalyse them in mere seconds, and your advanced
sexual techniques with those men you do like and decide to take to bed indicate
that you are a woman in control of your life. In fact, I can't think of
anything nasty to say about you. Dammit. That's actually rather annoying.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb.
18)
Character – Lizzy
You used to be a
well-adjusted young lass' with a lot to look forward to in life, but ever since
that incident with the, errr, "missing" video tape of you and your
boyfriend, Tommy, engaged in certain intimate activities, you have become a bit
screwed up and somewhat resentful of humans in general. The irony is, that
whilst only a couple of your friends ever actually viewed the stolen tape
itself, MILLIONS of people have seen you doing what you were doing since the
release of "Trainspotting" in the cinemas and on video. Erm, excuse
me, I think I'm getting fiction and reality a bit mixed up here...just let me
work this through again...
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March
20)
Character – Iggy Pop
Yeah - I know. It's
happened again, I've run out of characters. But, it has to be said, Mr Pop does
feature quite extensively in the film, if only in spirit. You should be
grateful I didn't equate you to that toilet – you know the one. So deal with
it.
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