This time - oh, surely you can guess, can't you?
ARIES (March 21 - April
19)
Character – Officer
Barbrady
The local Police Officer,
you are so ineffectual, you make Chief Wiggum in The Simpsons look efficient.
The only reason you got in the force in the first place was because the local
policy was to recruit people "representative of the local area", and
representative you certainly are, without two brain cells to rub together, you
and South Park are well suited to each other. Be careful out there!
TAURUS (April 20 - May
20)
Character – Pip
There's a theory that the
Americans are still upset that the British Empire once ruled them. You are
proof of this. Surrounded as you are by obsessive lunatics with various
personality disorders, it is particularly perverse that you, as the token
English kid in South Park Elementary, are the butt of everyone's jokes and
universally hated by all. Get used to it.
GEMINI (May 21 - June
20)
Character – Mr Hat.
You are a cheap gaudy piece
of material only fit for having people shove their hands up your bottom. Well I
think that's funny.
CANCER (June 21 - July
22)
Character – Kenny
Mmmmnnn-mmm-mm-m-mmmmmnnnn
nnnmmm-m-mmmmmm (snap, crunch, splat) - AAARRRGGGHHH!!!
LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Character – Stan
Somewhat shy, you have
great problems communicating with your girlfriend as the only reply you can
muster to whatever she says is a steaming pile of vomit. You are also
emotionally scarred after the Halloween incident when you dressed up as
Raggedy-Andy for no reason at all. Plus one of your best friends keeps getting
killed in nasty ways. Wow, no wonder you are so screwed up.
VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept.
22)
Character – Mr Hankey
Hi-de-ho! Everyone's
favourite, you are a small lump of poo that only comes out around Christmas
time. Unfortunately, you smell particularly bad and leave a trail of dung
wherever you walk. Your voice is also incredibly irritating and you look
stupid. Actually, I'm not sure WHY everyone likes you, personally, you make me
SICK. Get out of my sight at once.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct.
22)
Character – Cartman
You are a fat bigoted lump
of lard with delusions of grandeur and a predilection for the speeches of Adolf
Hitler. Your mum is a slut and you don't know who your father is. You think
being fat makes you a "Beefcake" and you are the sort of scummy
demanding person who gives out a list of presents for people to buy you when it
is your birthday. You also have a double chin and wear a stupid bobble-hat and
have an alien probe stuck up your backside. I think I love you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov.
21)
Character – Kyle
You mom is a bitch and you
have a faecal obsession that is bordering on the deranged. You also once killed
Kenny - you bastard!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 -
Dec. 21)
Character – Mr Garrison
There is a saying -
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach". I'm afraid you are one
of the ones that can't. In fact, you are so bad at doing anything, you can't
even get away from your little hick town in the middle of nowhere - no one else
would have you! You can't even form a proper relationship and are forced to
talk to a glove puppet all the time, and not even a SANE glove puppet at that.
Jeez' can't you do ANYTHING right? What a sad sorry loser you are. Get a life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 -
Jan. 19)
Character – Jesus
Some people might think
your career has reached its nadir - from being the Son of God, you are reduced
to presenting "Jesus & Pals" on Cable TV. But on the other hand,
at least the Romans aren’t nailing you onto a piece of wood and that's got to
be good. And maybe the ratings will pick up one day?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb.
18)
Character – The Mayor
As ineffectual as you are
stupid, you constantly desire to get away from it all, and get a real job
somewhere. Trouble is, your town is so screwed up that isn't going to happen
any time soon, so I'm afraid you are stuck where you are. Your constant
attempts to get on the telly always end in another disaster for South Park and
there are rumours of a shady connection between yourself, Officer Barbrady and
the Japanese Mafia. Why am I not surprised?
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March
20)
Character – Chef
Yo! Dude! Probably the
coolest character of them all, you often get the chance to demonstrate your
skills at "sweet-lovin’" with just about any female who turns up in
the town. What with your song-writing skills as well, the only mystery is why
you have chosen to become the school cook? I guess those dinner-ladies must be
wearing some pretty potent perfume huh?! Or is it their stockings?
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