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ANTI-FRENCH JOKES

 

We have recently been sent a spate of Anti-French humour, and it was beginning to clog up the Guestbook - so here we present our very own French humour page!  As with the Guestbook, all comments, names and details are presented as they were submitted to us and we accept no responsibility for the fact that it seems that half the planet has forgotten how to spell...  You can send us your own jokes through the Comments page.

 

(166) Date:   27/04/04

Name:    Joseph

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    Here's a French joke:

Q: Do you remember the great French millitary defeat?

A: It was the French Civil war, France surrendered.

Erm, nice joke - except that France never had a "Civil War", at least not a war with that name.

 

(165) Date:    27/04/04   

Name:    Karl

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    Q. What's the similarity between a french women and a bunjee jump?

A. They're both Cheap, Fast - And if that rubber breaks your dead!

 

(164) Date:   18/04/04

Name:    Bryce Powers

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Paris - April 8, 2004 - French Interior Minister Jean-Pierre Lafontaine announced today that, due to the recent terrorist bombings in Spain, France's Terror Alert Level has been raised from "Run" to "Hide." Mr. Lafontaine further added that if the bombings continue, the Terror Alert Level would be increased to "Surrender and collaborate." 

Love your frog jokes.

Woody

 

(163) Date:   16/04/04

Name:    Maggie Thrasher

Sex:    female

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Q: Why are there so many trees in & around Paris? 

A: Because French men don't like to walk very far to a take a leak.

Q: How do you sink a French aircraft carrier?

A: Launch it at high tide.

 

(162) Date:   16/04/04

Name:    Clint

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    Here's a Joke for the anti-French jokes page.

What's darker than a French whore's armpit?

Nothing.

 

(161) Date:   31/03/04

Name:    David (Unagi) Shenosky

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    Here is a good french (undercased on porpuseifiction) joke...

Q; Why did the french man tie a string around his dick before sex?

A; So he could pull out of in a quick.

A2; to he could stop fucking Jaques ass (double untandra)

 

(160) Date:   16/03/04

Name:    Asta

Sex:    female

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    Q.How can you identify a French Infantryman?

A.Sunburt armpits!!

 

(159) Date:   19/12/03

Name:    Randy S

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   It's a little long, but anything that will degrade, humialiate or upset those nasty, disgusting, delusional subhumans is worth the reading...

Randy S from Raleigh NC

An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after each receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Engishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix deux pillows to my back." 

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your people are the kindest and most generous in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. 

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

 

(158) Date:   16/12/03

Name:    Stevan H

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    "A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle,the French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason--English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the

blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants."

 

(157) Date:   27/11/03

Name:    Tory Walbe

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   I have a french joke for you: Why do the french hate history class? They keep repeating it :]

 

(156) Date:   25/11/03

Name:    Murrey

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Q: Whats the difference between a dead rabbit on the road, and a dead Frenchman on the road?

A: there are skid marks before the rabbit!!!!!

 

(155) Date:   10/11/03

Name:    Right Wing Man

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   Here's a French Joke:  Q:  What's the difference between toilet paper, and the French flag?  A:  Nothing.  They're both all-white, and they share the same purpose.

 

(154) Date:   03/11/03

Name:    John

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    How did the Nazis convince  the French that they weren't invading?  They marched in backwards and told them they were leaving.

 

(153) Date:   02/10/03

Name:    Big D

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   Q. What is the frenchs weight loss secert  A. Bowing to country's that invade them  I know its dumb

 

(152) Date:   06/09/03

Name:    Glenn

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    The french government advised its citizens to seek relief from the heat wave by taking a cold shower or bath.
Tradgedy struck as thousands learned that as in most French homes the plumbing to these fixtures had never been connected.

 

(151) Date:   06/09/03

Name:    Glenn

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Thousands of have died in France because of a heat wave.
Now the French are surrendering to the weather?

 

(150) Date:   06/09/03

Name:    Glenn

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    French Knock Knock Joke:
Knock Kock.
Who's there?
I give up.

 

(149) Date:   29/08/03

Name:    SGT Scott W. Boudreau

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):   Be advised that due to the recent heatwave in France and the resulting death, that the French government is speeding up it's space program.  They intend to send documents of surrender to the Sun.

 

(148) Date:   20/07/03

Name:    Jon von Gillern

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    what is orange and red and looks good on a frenchman?  Fire

 

(147) Date:   28/05/03

Name:    Matthew R

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   Q: What do you call a bunch of French men with their arms held in the air?  A: The French Army

 

(146) Date:   28/05/03

Name:    Not given

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO GIVE 'SARS' A GOOD NAME?

SEND IT TO FRANCE!

(145) Date:   25/05/03

Name:    not given

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: How do you get a French immigrant off your porch? 
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans? 
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining. 

Q: Why did they have to cancel the Christmas pageant at a large French elementary school last year?
A: They couldn't find a virgin to play the Virgin Mary. 

 

(144) Date:   21/05/03

Name:    Jo Malley

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    While travelling in Europe, a young man stoped in Munich, Germany. He was 
trying to get to France, wondering if he had enough time for a abit to eat, 
he asked a passing man how far it was to France. The man replied: Oh, about 
four days march!

 

(143) Date:   20/05/03

Name:    Jesse Goober

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   this is a 3 parter 

What do you call one frenchie drownding in the ocean?  one problem 
what do you call two frenchies drownding in the ovean?  two problems 
what do you call the whole population of france in the ocean?  problem solved!! 

"Drownding"?!?!

 

(142) Date:   20/05/03

Name:    Ian Jarlett

Sex:    noit given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Just read the French Jokes, and couldn't help but add another !!

What do you call 10,000 Frenchmen at the bottom of the sea?

A. A good start!!

 

(141) Date:   14/06/03

Name:    demas esberger

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   i gotta joke 4 u:

Wot is da difference between the French (does it deserve a capital letter???) and a bucket of shit?????

A bucket, and the bucket of shit doesn't smell as bad.

thanx 4 da laughs.

Charlie 

 

(140) Date:   16/06/03

Name:    Dan Proctor

Sex:    female (virgin) Do I need to know this?

Age:    13

Joke(s):    Joke: What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?  Linoleum Blownapart

Joke: How fast do French tanks go?  ...it depends on how fast you push them

 

(139) Date:   30/04/03

Name:    Dale H Carruto

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: How many times has the Arce de Triumphe in Paris been used?  A: Twice...By the Germans 

 

(138) Date:   30/04/03

Name:    Chris Saam

Sex:    Not given

Age:    Not given

Joke(s):    A Texan, an Englishman and a Frenchman are having a drink. 

The Texan says, "I know this bar in Dallas that if you buy one drink the next one is on the house." 

The Englishman says, "That's great but I know a bar in London where if you buy a drink the next two are on the house."

The Frenchman says, "Big deal, in Paris there is a bar where all the drinks are free and they take you in back to get you laid".

The Texan and the Englishman are intrigued. "Where is this wonderfull bar?", asked the Englishman.

"I don't know", replied the Frenchman, I've never been there. But my sister goes all the time".

 

(137) Date:   30/04/03

Name:    Not given

Sex:    Not given

Age:    Not given

Joke(s):   What do you call it when half the pop. of France runs north and the other half runs south?

French Civil War.

Did you know there is an orthodoxed manuver in chess called the La Francias manuver? Move your pawn, panic, surrender, then call the U.S. Army for help. 

 

(136) Date:   27/04/03

Name:    Andrew Payne

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    A French diplomat is spending some time in an Iraqi military base. After a few weeks he asks a soldier what they do for sex. The soldier leads him behind the mess tent and points to the camel. The diplomat recoils in horror. After a few more weeks the same soldier walks behind the mess tent and sees the diplomat on a stool behind the camel humping away(no pun intended). The soldier cries out in alarm.."What do you think you are doing to our camel?" The diplomat replies"Well, you are the one who told me I should use her for sex". The soldier says "Yes, but we usually ride her to town and get ourselves a woman".

 

(135) Date:   15/04/03

Name:    Ryan Sepanek   

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER

Thanks, but did you really need to send this to me 4 times?

 

(134) Date:   14/04/03

Name:    Deniece   

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   French's Mustard 

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow". 

 

(133) Date:   13/04/03

Name:   Pender

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?  Because she has only one arm raised.

 

(132) Date:   10/04/03

Name:   John Masson 

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   From the archives of John Masson San Francisco

A Brit an Italian an American and an Iraqi war orphan find themselves adrift on a life boat. As the days go by it becomes obvious that there is only enough food and water left for 3 of them, if any, to survive. Seizing the moment the noble Britt with a stiff upper lip proclaims, "god bless Britannia" and throws himself to the sharks so that the others may survive. A day later the never to be upstaged American heeds the call saying God bless America and throws himself too out of the boat. Seeing he was now alone with the small scared child the Frenchmen proclaims Viva La France and without hesitation tosses the small boy out of the boat.

 

(131) Date:   10/04/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Q. How do you stop a French tank?  A. Say "boo"

 

(130) Date:   09/04/03

Name:   Chester Otis Flugalmyster

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   How do you separate the men from the boys in France? With a crowbar.

 

(129) Date:   09/04/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   Hey ! Do you know what's the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpansee ?  - One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpansee.

 

(128) Date:   08/04/03

Name:   David A. Stinson

Sex:    male

Age:    not given    

Joke(s):   The French Army Theme Song: "Be Our Guest!! Be Our Guest!!!"

 

(127) Date:    08/04/03   

Name:   Jesse

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   why do the french get more votes in the U.N.  Vote with both hands

 

(126) Date:   08/04/03

Name:   Jane Kurecki

Sex:    female

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Thank you for taking your time and typing all of the anti-french jokes. I enjoyed them, and appreciate you taking the time to type them all out.  I have one for you, but I don't know if it's for public consumption.

Q: What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?

A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

I know it is gross....but funny. Have a wonderful week.

 

(125) Date:   08/04/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: Why are there so many trees surrounding Paris?  A: Becsause the German panzers cant move through a forest  

You need to know history for this one. 

 

(124) Date:   07/04/03

Name:   Frank

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   A lady bought a new Lexus, and returned the next day, complaining that the radio didn't work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"  The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

She drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time she'd say, "Beethoven", she'd get beautiful classical music, and if she said, "Beatles!" she'd get one of theirs.

One day, another driver ran a red light and nearly creamed her new car, but she swerved in time to avoid him.

"ASSHOLE!" she yelled.....
 
The French National  Anthem began to play.

 

(123) Date:   06/04/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    female

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   The Surgeon General got a new law passed: all cigarette boxes must have a picture of a French guy on it.

 

(122) Date:   05/04/03

Name:   Joe

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   Q: How many jokes are there about the French? A: One, the rest are true

 

(121) Date:   05/04/03

Name:   john

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   when god created the earth, he created this one place that was especially nice. it had big, nice mountains, nice cities, the wine fields, etc... He called it France.  So when god created the rest of the world, everybody was like "why the hell does France get all the nice stuff?" since god was a nice and fair guy, he created the French people.

 

(120) Date:   04/04/03

Name:   Ms Aurelie Catena

Sex:    female

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Hi!

First to know you must that not my first language is English and thus strange will look my sentences.  Anyway by the words is not stopped the Wise and only the Meaning he does consider.

Moreover, the joke I'm going to send (it will come, be patient) was originally sent to me in German, which is also not my first language, and I had to translate it into English. Hopefully it will have kept all its original sting after the two-step processing. Here it is (for those among you who prefer to read it in the original version, I shall put it at the end):

Three Texan surgeons are playing golf and discuss about the latest advances in surgery. The first surgeon says: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A pianist lost 7 fingers during an accident, I took care of him and 8 months later he gave a private concert for the Queen of England".

The second says: "That's crap. A young man lost both arms and one leg during an accident, I took care of him and two years later he won a golden medail at the Olympic games."

Then the third spoke: "Your are but amateurs. A few years ago, a man, drunk from alcohol and cocain, was hit frontally by a train at 80 mph. All that was left from the accident was the arse of his horse and his cow-boy's hat. By now he is president of the France !"

Funny, isn'it?

Aurelie

And now, for those who prefer it, the German version:

Drei Texanische Chirurgen spielen Golf und unterhalten sich über die Fortschritte in der Chirurgie. Einer sagt, "ich bin der beste Chirurg in Texas. Ein Konzertpianist verlor 7 Finger bei einem Unfall, Ich habe sie wieder angenäht und 8 Monate später hat er ein privat Konzert bei der Königin von England gegeben."

Ein anderer sagt. "Das ist nichts. Ein junger Mann verlor beide Arme und beide Beine bei einem Unfall, Ich habe sie wieder angenäht und 2 Jahre später hat er eine Goldmedaille an den olympischen Spielen gewonnen." 

Der dritte Chirurg meint, "Ihr seid Amateure. Vor einigen Jahren ritt ein Mann high von Kokain und Alkohol frontal in einen Zug der mit 80 Meilen daher kam. Alles was noch übrig war, war das Arsch des Pferdes und der Hut des Cowboys. Heute ist er Präsident der Vereinigten Staaten."

 

(119) Date:   03/04/03

Name:   John Peck

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   You see a beret zigzagging down the Champs Elysee and shrieking for help in a high squeaky voice. How do you explain this thing? Someone slipped Jacques Chirac a laxative.

 

(118) Date:   02/04/03

Name:   Alex

Sex:    male

Age:    25 to 30

Joke(s):   Three doctors are at lunch when the one doctor brings up the easiest surgery he's ever done.

Dr.#1 'Ya know, I just did an operation on an accountant and, man, was it easy. I opened him up and everthing was in numerical order, completely in balance!'

Dr.#2 chimes in 'Oh, I can top that. Electricans are the best to operate on, everything is color coordinated.'

Dr.#3 laughs and says 'I have both of you beat. The easiest operation is on a Frenchman.  There are no guts, no spine, no balls and if you ever get confused...the head and ass are interchangable.'

 

(117) Date:   02/04/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Anti-French Joke:  You have a gun containing only two bullets. You are thrown into a padded cell where you see before you a
crazy psychopath, together with Saddam Hussein and Jacques "Mr. Clean" Chirac huddled in a corner.  What do you do?  Answer: Shoot CHIRAC twice, to ensure he doesn't sabotage the U.N. and the world order ever again.

 

(116) Date:   30/03/03

Name:    Bob Pearson   

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Several years from now Tony Blair calls Jaques Chirac to say hello and the receptionist informs him "Sir I'm sorry to say Mr. Chirac has died and so can not take your call. Can I transfer you to someone else?"  Mr Blair, "No no that's ok. My condolences."  2 minutes later the receptionist gets another call from Mr. Blair asking if Jaques Chirac is there. The receptionist again says no sir I'm sorry he's passed away.  2 minutes later the receptionist receives another call from Mr. Blair asking again for Jaquess Chirac. The receptionist this time questions, "Sir as I've already told you he has died. Why do you keep calling?"  Tony Blair "Oh I'm sorry to bother you, but I just love hearing that"

 

(115) Date:    30/03/03   

Name:   mikey figs

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):   what is the frech favorite movie? the running man

 

(114) Date:   29/03/03

Name:    Judy Allbright   

Sex:    female

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."  The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.  "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."  "I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

 

(113) Date:   28/03/03

Name:   Craig Wheeler

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   "During WW2, the French resistance fighters, in their finest hour, bravely threw sticks of dynamite at the advancing German troops."  "The Germans then lit them and threw them back."

 

(112) Date:   28/03/03

Name:   John Peck

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   The most dangerous game.  What is the French version of Russian Roulette? Five felatrixes and one cannibal in a dark room.

 

(111) Date:   27/03/03

Name:   Corey

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):   Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?  A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!

 

(110) Date:   27/03/03

Name:   Christophe

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   Here is a good one  Q: How does the a French soldier salute.  A: Buy putting his hand up and saying "pleez don't kill me"

 

(109) Date:   27/03/03

Name:   Christophe

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   Here is a good one  Q: Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France  A: Because they don't smell like crap.

 

(108) Date:   26/03/03

Name:    Robert Tarini   

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   When is it white laundry day in France? Never, any white laundry in france is already hung up on a stick being waved

 

(107) Date:   23/03/03

Name:   sassyknack

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Hope yoo liked my last original joke - so here's anuvver newun.

Question:
What would you do if you were flagged down by a French Citroen CV2 driver on the roadside who had just run out of gas?

Answer:  Turn the Citroen completely upside down, (easy)  fix  rope to your Jeep and tow in this position. Don't be too put out if Francois prefers to stay in his vehicle, and remember, when you get to the gas station remember to check that he thanks you properly.

 

(106) Date:   23/03/03

Name:   Daavid

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   French President Jaques Chirac, tired of all of the anti-french jokes, since the start of the United States lead invasion of Iraq, has announced with great national pride that the super secret French Space Agency will send the first manned mission of three French astronauts to land, and walk on the Sun. President Chirac stated " This mission will be of historic important to the world, and restore France's rightful place in the history of the world" NASSA space scientist's, stunned at the news, asked Mr. Chirca what technology they had developed to keep the astronauts from burning up long before they reached the Sun? The French President sniffed and replied " Don't be stupid, we are going at night".

 

(105) Date:   23/03/03

Name:   K Jell

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   What's the difference between Iraq and france?  Iraq has had a Baath party for years.  And, france hasn't had a party to a bath in years. :-)

 

(104) Date:   22/03/03

Name:   Pete

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   You are the President of the United States of American, when it is announced that an asteroid about the size of France capable of completely destroying the country is headed straight for it. It is calculated that it will strike France at 2:30 in the morning in two days.  United Nation's and the French president plead with you to deploy planes and ships away from The War on Terror and the war in Iraq to help defend the country. You are the president of the greatest and most powerful nation on earth. What do you do? 
A: You stay up late and watch it live on television. 
B: You tape it and watch it in the morning. 

Answer: B 

 

(103) Date:   21/03/03

Name:   Chuck Keelan

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: What French citation has never been awarded?  A: La Croix du Guerre.

 

(102) Date:   21/03/03

Name:   ToastedKoala

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Why did the French name their capital PARIS?  It stands for Population Are Running..I Surrender!

 

(101) Date:   20/03/03

Name:   Noel Nelson

Sex:    Male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

 

(100) Hooray! Date:   19/03/03

Name:   Gino Pezella

Sex:    not given    

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   A little boy comes home from school and goes to his dad. He tells him that some older boys were discussing something that really bothered him.  The dad asked him what it was.  The boy told him that they told him about anal sex and that he wanted to know if people really did that.  His dad assured him that people did indeed do that, but that it was very dangerous as "That's how French people are made"

 

(99) Date:   19/03/03

Name:   Bill Romo

Sex:    male

Age:    50+

Joke(s):   What are the tall steeples on French churches now called?  Minarets!

 

(98) Date:   19/03/03

Name:   Not given

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):   Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?  A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

 

(97) Date:   19/03/03

Name:   Not given

Sex:    male

Age:    21 to 25

Joke(s):   Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?  A: Semper Fi (always first)

Q: What's the motto of the French Army?  A: Stop, drop, and run!

Thank you to the three million people who wrote to me to correct this - apparently it actjually manes "always faithful".

 

(96) Date:   18/03/03

Name:   steve

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Q.   Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France  A.   They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

 

(95) Date:   18/03/03

Name:   Christophe

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?  A: Their armpits

 

(94) Date:   18/03/03

Name:   Steven Louis

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):   Another French joke, as if one could know too many ;)

A foreign door-to-door salesman was passing through the French countryside. Deciding to try his luck at a farmhouse he knocked on the door. A kid opened the door.
"Is your dad home?"
"Yeah, but hes busy right now. Hes out back screwing the sheep."
The salesman chuckled
"Screwing the sheep, certainly you mean sheering the sheep."
"No," the kid replied, "hes screwing the sheep."
This being said, the salesman just could not believe his ears and asked:
"Doesnt that interfere with the gene pool?"
The kid replied: NAAAAAAAAAAA

 

(93) Date:   18/03/03

Name:   Brandon from Texas

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):   Q: Whats the difference between a frenchmen and a bucket of shit?  A: The bucket

 

(92) Date:   16/03/03

Name:   Larry

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

 

(91) Date:   16/03/03

Name:   sassyknack

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   Your Anti-French jokes are beginning to wear a biy thin and have been plagerised all over the net....... (hey, that's not my fault!)
So why not post some new, original ones Here's my contribution!

Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jaques Chirac's ass?

Because the French, in general are less sensitive to  bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavours!!

(90) Date:   15/03/03

Name:   Mark & Sonya Jefferson

Sex:    male and female

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!

 

(89) Date:   15/03/03

Name:   Mitch from The Colonies

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French? A: "Speed bump ahead"

 

(88) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   Abolish the tricolor in favour of new flag: a white cross emblazoned on a white background

 

(87) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   Frank Gavel

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on.

 

(86) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   Frank Gavel

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof?  A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.

 

(85) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   Patrick MacDonald

Sex:    male

Age:    14/

Joke(s):   "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" 
---- Hannibal Lecter 

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain 

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." 
--- General George S. Patton 

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."

--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

 

(84) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   Steve

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):   What is the differance between American fries and French fries? Courage!!

 

(83) Date:   14/03/03

Name:   Mitch

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological
advancement reports.

The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed
a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked
murmurs and exclamations of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant
quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the
audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3
centimeters below the sun."

The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese
scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the
deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the
great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese
Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive
my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest
part of the ocean."

It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's
contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to
develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting was in
shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering.
"Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

 

(82) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   Jackie Mulligan

Sex:    female

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):   You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do? Answer: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

You know which page to go to go if you want to complain about this.  Please refer to the disclaimer at the bottom of the page first though.

 

(81) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   Jon Winter

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq?  Don't want their record for surrender broken.

 

(80) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   John Field

Sex:    male

Age:    not given    

Joke(s):   Why did the French send Lady Liberty to America?

A. They had no use for her anyway

B. They didn't want the tired, poor, huddled masses to come to France for God's sake.

C. She wouldn't put out

D. To be a constant reminder of the help they gave to defeat the British. As if WE'RE the ones with the short memory.

E. They wanted to remind future generations that they once had the balls to do what is right.

F. All of the above

 

(79) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   Allison

Sex:    male (?)

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):   Q: Why do french people always wear yellow?
A: To match the color of their blood!
Q: What's the easist way to get lung cancer?
A: Breath the air in Paris!
Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a french flag?
A: In case they want to surrender!
Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?
A: She wanted to be the first french person to be able to defend herself!

Also some sickening but true infomation came my way about the french. In french text books the U.S. in WWII is only 1 paragragh of infomation and worst of all D-day isn't mentioned at all!!!

This is a true story: I was up at a collage campus and this girl from france is working at the desk of the bookstore and I asked her if she lived in the french domitories she said "no I came to the U.S. to get away from them". Then I said "well then I guess your not going back after your done". Then she said "do you think I'm stupid, I'd never go back there it smells."

 

(78) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   Mr. Clark

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hilla

Joke(s):   A good joke:
During one of the namy wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major.  An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation.  The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic."  The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you."  The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared."  The French general said,"That is a very good idea,"  The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

 

(77) Date:   12/03/03

Name:   Jeff

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):   Why do the French never perform “the wave” at a soccer game?

Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.

 

(76) Date:   11/03/03

Name:   Jay D. Dyson

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hils

Joke(s):   Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?

A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

 

(75) Date:   11/03/03

Name:    mr. roby

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor?
A: by the ears...

 

(74) Date:   10/03/03

Name:    Randy

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Here, there might be a french joke or 2 you haven't heard... (removed the ones I've already got)

Joke(s):    "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." Argus Hamilton

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." Dennis Miller

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

 

(73) Date:   08/03/02

Name:    Alison Reilly

Sex:    female

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.  Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
 "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."

Thanks to the three-dozen people and counting) who've sent me this joke.  You can stop now - no really, you can.

 

(72) Date:   08/03/03

Name:    Andy Scott Patton

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French.

 

(71) Date:   07/03/02

Name:    Jacques Chie Raque

Sex:    male

Age:    25 to 30

Joke(s):    Do you know why french people are Number One for perfume? because the atmosphere does not have a nice odor.

 

(70) Date:   07/03/02

Name:    AIM- "app288"

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used  by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that  seat."   The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit  there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

(69) Date:   06/03/02

Name:    Randy

Sex:    male

Age:    40-50

Joke(s):    The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy! 

 

(68) Date:   06/03/02

Name:    Jim

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?

Answer: Gratitude.

If it is important, my name is Jim and I am just old enough to remember D-Day.

 

(67) Date:   05/03/02

Name:    El Pato Que Dice Quack

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Why does the French Navy suck? Because cardboard doesn't float!

 

(66) Date:   05/03/03

Name:    not given

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    Q: what the frenchmen can do in 5 minutes ?  A: surrender .......... TWICE !!

 

(65) Date:   05/03/03

Name:    The Funk

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    I got a French Joke!

What do Frenchies and Lays Patato chips have in Common?.. Bet Ya Can't Hate Just One!

Also

Save the Crepes Eat A frenchmen!

 

(64) Date:   03/03/03

Name:    Craig Brockman

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?"  Frenchman: "No."  American: "You're Welcome!

 

(63) Date:   01/03/03

Name:    David Sowell

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    I wrote a new French joke today:

Q: Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?

A: Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!

 

(62) Date:   28/02/03

Name:    Conor Coleman

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    What's the difference between toast and frenchmen?  You can make soldiers out of toast!

 

(61) Date:   28/02/03

Name:    not given

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America?  A. To get as far away from the French as possible.

 

(60) Date:   28/02/03

Name:    Don Bierman

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Why do people always talk about the 'foreign legion'? 

They couldn't find any French to join!

 

(59) Date:   28/02/03

Name:    Kermit the Anti-Frog

Sex:    male

Age:    21 to 25

Joke(s):    This joke takes place about 100 years into the future. Three guys are walking down a street when they see a new store with a sign that reads,"CELEBRITY BRAIN SHOPPE, REPLACE YOUR BRAIN WITH THAT OF A DECEASED CELEBRITY" All three decide to go in and give it a shot.
The first guy walks up to the counter and says "Hello, i'd like to buy a brain" to which the clerk replied "who would you like?" The guy thinks and decides on actor Sylvestor Stallone's brain. The clerk types on his computer and says, "okay, that will be 3,000 dollars." The guy pays and leaves. The second guy walks up and says "hello, i'd like to buy a brain" to which the clerk replys "who would you like?" The guy thinks for a moment and decides on singer Mick Jagger's brain. The clerk types on his computers and says, "okay, that will be 4,000 dollars." The guy pays and then leaves. The Third guy walks up to the counter and says "hello, i'd like to buy a brain." to which the clerk replys "who would you like?" The guy thinks long and hard and then eventually decides on former french president Chirac. The clerk types on his computer and then says, "okay, that will be 1.6 million dollars!" The guy's jaw drops "1.3 million dollars! Why does Chirac's brain cost so damn much?" The clerk replys,"well sir, it's never been used."

 

(58) Date:   27/02/03

Name:    smeghead68

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?

A salesman

 

(57) Date:    26/02/03   

Name:    Mike Orta

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    Why do frenchmen carry shit in their wallets?  The law requires they carry at least one form of Identification.

 

(56) Date:   24/02/03

Name:    Leather boy

Sex:    male

Age:    25 to 30

Joke(s):    An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, "Rule Britannia".  He had sung the first line, "When Britain first at heaven's command ...", when some aliens saw him. 

The aliens decided to conduct an experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his boat.  To their astonishment, he continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command...". 

So, to continue their experiment, they removed half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain left.  They were further astonished when the man continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command..."

After discussing further, they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat.  He continued to sing, "Allouetta, chantez allouetta ..."

 

(55) Date:   23/02/03

Name:    Jon Lunchick

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Going to war without france is like going to marine boot camp without
your Liza Minelli CD's

What time is the frenchmans watch set to? 5 minutes to One

Why should we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, they didn't
help us liberate France!

The last time france asked for more evidence, it rolled over them in
Panzer tanks carrying the Nazi flag.

 

(54) Date:    22/02/03

Name:    Yankee1

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    An American man is having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam at the breakfast table when a Frenchman sits down next to him.
The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. "You American folk eat the whole bread?" asks the Frenchman with a large piece of chewing gum in his mouth.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman blows a bubble with his chewing gum, then remarks, "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in containers, recycle them, then transform them into croutons, and sell them to the United States."
The Frenchman has a smirk on is face. All the while, the American listens in silence.
"Do ya eat jelly with the bread?" asks the Frenchman.
"Of course!"
The Frenchman cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles, "We don't. In France, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast and put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, then transform them into jam, and sell it to the U.S."
"And, what do you Frenchmen do with condoms once you've used them?" asks the American.
"We throw them away, of course," replies the Frenchman, with a dumbfounded look.
The American explains, "WE don't. In the U.S., we put them in a container, recycle them, then melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to France.

 

(53) Date:    21/02/03

Name:    E Rabelo

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    What's the shortest book ever written?  French War Heroes.

 

(52) Date:    21/02/03

Name:    not given

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    From Texas,USA I read this on the back of a public restroom door. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman. 

 

(51) Date:    20/02/03

Name:    Xenomaniac

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given   

Joke(s):    "A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."

 

(50) Date:    20/02/03

Name:        vneva

Sex:    male

Age:       Old as the hills

Joke(s):    A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine.  The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. 

The frenchie asks the landlord, What is that dirty camel doing in here? 

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure. 

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

 

(49) Date:    20/02/03

Name:        LN

Sex:    female

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    Some more Anti-French jokes, I hope these get through.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

 

(48) Date:    20/02/03

Name:        nt given

Sex:       not given

Age:       not given

Joke(s):    Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

I really like this one.

 

(47) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Sam

Sex:    male

Age:   Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Here we go with yet another anti-French joke - What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
A. This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

 

(46) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Dee

Sex:    female

Age:   Old as the hills

Joke(s):    A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains to make for her family for dinner that night.  She looked at the display of brains and saw that American brains were $4.95 per lb, British brains were $4.90 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb.  She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint.  "No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price."  "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal.  "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains!?" replied the butcher.

 

(45) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Mike    

Sex:    male

Age:   18 to 21

Joke(s):    Q: Why do the French Smell?  A: So blind people can hate them too!

 

(44) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Another Yank

Sex:    male

Age:  30 to 40

Joke(s):    Q: Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?  A: Because it doesn't really exist.

    

(43) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Bill Baynes

Sex:    male    

Age:  Old as the hills

Joke(s):    What's green, cold, slimey and croaks  -  A Frenchman

 

(42) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    Frank Hunt Jr.

Sex:    male

Age:  not given

Joke(s):    Why don't the French eat M&M candies?  They're too hard to peel. 

 

(41) Date:    19/02/03

Name:    J P Adams    

Sex:    not given

Age:  not given

Joke(s):    What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?  A Mirage

 

(40) Date:    18/02/03

Name:    James

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    Another French Joke.....Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy.....To see all their other ships.

 

(39) Date:   18/02/03 

Name:    Steve

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian.

 

(38) Date:    18/02/03

Name:    Denis Lutman

Sex:    male

Age:    38

Joke(s):    How did the French react to German reunification? They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

 

(37) Date:    18/02/03

Name:    Removed by request of sender

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back? Jacques Chirac 

    

(36) Date:    18/02/03    

Name:    Mike Daniels

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Hi Andrew, (who?)

I think I have a good french joke for your website.

YEah!!!!

Here is a French joke man.

Three men, an American man, a German man, and a Frenchman, completely drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation:

The American: In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor high.

The German says: In my country, we have highways that go strainght for over a thousand miles.

The Frenchman says: When I have an erection, my dick is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it.

The following day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth:

The American said: you know, really, some of our buildings might go over 100-floor high, but no more.

The German says: You know, really, some highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more.

The Frenchman said: You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one leg on it.

Take care

Mike

 

(35) Date:    18/02/03

Name:    Frank Mills Sr.

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

 

(34) Date:    17/02/03    

Name:    Armani

Sex:    male

Age:   21 to 25

Joke(s):    Why is good to be french?  You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.

 

(33) Date:    17/02/03

Name:    Erik

Sex:    male

Age:   30 to 40

Joke(s):    A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.

Thanks to Erik and the other fourteen (I counted them) people who sent this joke to me within the last 24 hours.

 

(32) Date:    16/02/03

Name:    Sgt Scott W. Boudreau

Sex:    male

Age:   30 to 40

Joke(s):    President Bush and the french ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons.  He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath.  The french ambassador, although, did not understand.  It seems there is no word for"bath" in french.  

 

(31) Date:    15/02/03

Name:   Rick Farrell

Sex:    male

Age:    21 to 25

Joke(s):    Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II????  A: Not Enough.

 

(30) Date:    14/02/03

Name:   no name

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):  Q.   How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?  A.  Five

one to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing.
  the second to turn tail and run.
  the third to roll over.
  the forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces.
  and the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.

 

(29) Date:    13/02/03

Name:   TheAsianGuy

Sex:    male

Age:    Old as the hills

Joke(s):    Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward.  Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy.... :)

  

(28) Date:    13/02/03

Name:   not given

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):  Remember it from just after the war, but it goes: The French; they are a funny race, they fight with their feet, and fuck with their face! 

 

(27) Date:    13/02/03

Name:   Brian

Sex:    male

Age:    25 to 30

Joke(s):    Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?  A: Welcome!

  

(26) Date:    13/02/03

Name:   MADMAN

Sex:   Under 15

Age:    male

Joke(s):  Where can you find 90,000,000 french jokes?  In France.  (I don't think there are actually that many French people, but a nice joke all the same).

 

(25) Date:    12/02/03

Name:    Jacob Appleby 

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):  Hey,  I don't know if you've heard this one or not, but... Why do we need France on our side against Sadamm and Osama?  So the French can show them how to surrender.

 

(24) Date:    12/02/03

Name:   Todd Crabtree

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):  What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead french man In the middle of the road? There's skid marks In front of the skunk.

 

(23) Date:    12/02/03

Name:   Annalisa

Sex:    female

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    A first-time French visitor to New York arrived at his hotel room only to find his bed with one sheet. He called the front desk and screamed "I want 'to sheet' on my bed right now!". He was asked to check out of his room.  Dismayed but not discouraged, he went to have a bite to eat in the hotel restaurant. Being European, he see expected to have both a salad fork and a dinner fork instead of the single fork on his table. This irked him, but he held his tongue. He ordered a "Patty Melt Hamburger" from the waitress.  When she brought him his meal, he expected to see a hamburger patty between two pieces of bread. He flew into Gaelic rage: "Listen to me! I want 'to peece' on my hamburger. OK? But just before that, I want 'two fork' on zee table! Right now! Will you do it?" The manager of the hotel was summoned and the garrulous Frenchman was escorted to the door and told to go "Pound frogs somewhere else."

 

(22) Date:    06/02/03

Name:   David Bruce

Sex:    male

Age:    55

Joke(s):  Sauna Summit in Paris

George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna.  Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound.
President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped.  The others looked curiously at him.  "Oh, that was just my pager", said George.  "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm."

Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing.  Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped.  The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps.  I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand.

"By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech.  Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily.  When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him increduously.

It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior.

When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie sainte!   I'm think I'm getting a fax."

 

(21) Date:    31/01/03

Name:   Daleran

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given    

Joke(s):  I got another French joke for you:  Q: How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?  A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before

 

(20) Date:    29/07/02

Name:   Andrew Tunks

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):  I hope I am sending this to the right place, I was growing tired of looking for where to sign the guestbook or the French jokes page (despite its constant promise of a signing area). I am American by the way. Have fun : )

What color is the American flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the British flag? Red, White, and Blue. What color is the French flag? White.

 

(19) Date:    23/06/02

Name:   not given

Sex:    male

Age:    under 15

Joke(s):  What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?  The Army.

 

(18) Date:    09/03/02

Name:    Dan Klein

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    HERES A JOKE!!!

Q:How do you castrate a frenchmen???  A:Kick his sister in the jaw.


(17) Date:    14/10/01

Name:    hanson (mmm-bop!)

Sex:    male

Age:    Under 15

Joke(s):    Y do frenchmen always were yellow tyes ?  A: to match the teeth

Whats the best place to hide your money ?  A: under the soap of a frenchman

 

(16) Date:    13/08/01

Name:    Rose

Sex:    female

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    I have a joke for you.  A frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. the barman says "Thats an real ugle bird u got there. Where did u get it? The parrot says " i got it in France ..theres millions of em there"

 

(15) Date:    09/08/01

Name:    Geoff

Sex:    male

Age:    25 to 30

Joke(s):    What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?  "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".

 

(14) Date:    16/07/01

Name:    simon

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    Q-how can you tell if a frechmen has been in your backyard?  A-your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!

 

(13) Date:    25/04/01

Name:    Matt X

Sex:    male

Age:    30 to 40

Joke(s):    Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?  Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

 

(12) Date:    23/03/01

Name:    Jenny Davies

Sex:    not given (but female one assumes...)

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Q.  What do you do if you see 90,000,000 dead french-men?  A. Stop laughing and re-load!!

 

(11) Date:    14/03/01

Name:    Anti-Christ

Sex:    male

Age:    21 to 25

Joke(s):    Q: How do you stop a French tank?  A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!

 

(10) Date:    20/01/01

Name:    Mr Shadow

Sex:    male

Age:    15 to 18

Joke(s):    Q: What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.  A: A good days hunting.


 
(9) Date:    17/01/01

Name:    Guy Tanner

Sex:    male

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.  "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.  The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM'  -  the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.  The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country."  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'  -  there was a huge wall around France.  The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.  The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."  The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Veni, Vermini, Vomui.

 

(8) Date:    16/12/00

Name:    Matty boy

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    Q: What do you do if you drive over a French man?  A: REVERSE!  Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowing?  A: Chuck his wife and kids in aswell.

 

(7) Date:    16/12/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    male

Age:    17

Joke(s):    Here are a few more jokes about the french from your friend, the funniest guy on the web, Colonelcomedy.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his licence to practice medicin?  He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was by  far the best vet in town.  What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?  More sand.

 

(6) Date:    15/12/00

Name:    Matty boy

Sex:    male

Age:    18 to 21

Joke(s):    Q: Why do French men have moustashes?  A: To remind them of their mothers.  Q: How long does it take a french woman to have a poo?  A: 9 months

 

(5) Date:    12/12/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Colonelcomedy has done it again and come up with another joke about those frnech idiots.

The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. 

Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

 

(4) Date:    09/12/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    A psychology professor decided to study the way in which different people from different parts of Europe have sex with sheep. He traveled first to Wales, where he asks a farmer to explain his method: "Well, boyo, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're well away. Tidy!"  The professor tries Scotland next "Hoots an' toots man, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, grab her with me velcro gloves, and we're  well away. Och aye tha noo!"  The professor moves on to Germany: "Well, I find the most efficient way is to grab her with my velcro gloves, and we're well away. The professor is noticing a pattern developing, so he decides to try France, and then end his investigation.  He stops a bloke by the Eiffel tower named Pierre, and asks him to explain the French method: "Well monsieur, I put her back legs down my nice green wellies, sling her front legs over me shoulders, and that's all there is to it!" The professor is excited to have found some national variation and tells Pierre that this is different to the methods of the Scots, Welsh and Germans. "How do they do it then?" asks Pierre, and the professor explains. Pierre on hearing the explanation walks of disgusted. "What! No kissing?"

 

(3) Date:    07/12/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    A FRENCHMAN named Pierre was walking through the small town he lived in with a friend. He pointed to a row of houses and says, "You see those houses? I built those houses! But do they call me Pierre the Housebuilder..No" They walked along a bit futher, and he points to a number of boats in the harbour. "You see those boats ? I built those boats! But do they call me Pierre the Boat Builder? NO!" Then he turns to his friend and says "BUT MAKE LOVE TO JUST ONE GOAT AND YOU ARE LABELED FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

 

(2) Date:    29/11/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    Colonelcomedy is back with a great joke about the French, and this one is a real cracker.  There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'  I told you it was a cracker!, what do you think of that one?

 

(1) Date:    28/11/00

Name:    Steve Forster

Sex:    not given

Age:    not given

Joke(s):    I hope this is doctor Sinister himself and not just one of his cronies.  To prove my loyalty to the cause I have a selection of jokes about the french for you to enjoy.  Q. What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf? A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.  Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?  A. So the Germans could march in the shade.  Q. Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris?  A. Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished colouring in the second one !  Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other? A. bisexual.

Doctor Sinister says:  The Champs Elysee thing is already on the French page as it is common knowledge - but thanks anyway...