SINISTER INCORPORATED

Yes, I know it isn't a very catchy title, but hey, YOU think of something better. You know, you people make me sick.

 Anyway.

 These are the Top Secret documents they never wanted you to find.

No, I don't know who they are, but anyone who decides to bury some shitty old stuff under seventeen tons of reinforced concrete sat, in turn, beneath a 21 storey London office block must be pretty damn determined and possessive of a bugger load of money and influence to keep the information secret. Luckily, S.INC agents were more than equal to the task of uncovering the TRUTH that has, quite literally, been buried for so long...

We would just like to express our most sincere apologies to the Southern Mutual Life Assurance Company for blowing up their building.

We're very sorry.

Picture the scene.

It is 1942, or something like that anyway. I'm no historian. Just get off my case, OK?!

Hitler sits in Berlin as master of Europe, and between you and me, he's welcome to it.

As he plans to build his glorious Germania, he toasts his victorious armies, triumphant as they have been in their sweeping thrusts through Poland, Norway, France and the many other insignificant countries, too numerous and piddly to mention. His planes fly over Britain night after night, bombing their way through the country, and his troops march almost unopposed across the Russian Steppes, killing Communists and having a jolly good laugh about it on the way.

Ha ha ha.

It seems as though nothing can stop his final victory.

Failing to take account of a short little bald Englishman smoking two hundred cigars a day and eating a shit load of curry to stay awake during those dark hours, the German Fuhrer commissions a devilish new propaganda campaign.

The aim of the new campaign is simple and threefold:

1) Undermine British confidence in their ability to win the war by promoting the good-natured side of modern genocidal fascism.

2) Improve morale within his own ranks as doubts begin to set in amongst his armies about how long it will be until Germany wins the next World Cup.

3) Utterly crush resistance and the will to live amongst the conquered peoples of Europe.

So it was therefore that in August 1942 (or thereabouts, look, I SAID I wasn't entirely sure about the dates), German bombers began delivering their new loads of glossy printed leaflets across Europe and England. With each leaflet printed in the local language for maximum effect, Hitler was sure that victory was near.

On an early autumn morning of that year, strange reports began filtering through to a fledgling MI6 that people in some of the provinces of sleepy rural England were rioting against local law enforcement officers. Upon investigation and interrogation of those involved, MI6 discovered that the local villagers had been effectively brainwashed by the hideously accurate and truthful German propaganda that had been dropped the night before. Some of the MI6 agents even attempted to defect to the Third Reich on seeing the shiny leaflets that had been delivered in the night.

Chemical investigation of the paper the leaflets were printed on revealed that they had been coated in a special "Nazi-Juice" that was immediately absorbed into the bloodstream and this was having a major effect on the victim's thought patterns.

Something had to be done.

After a week of intensive thought, a plan was formulated. Specially trained newspaperboys in heavily modified deep-sea diving equipment were dispatched night after night to follow the German bombers across the country. Their helmets had been fitted with radio receiving equipment and tuned to a channel that was constantly broadcasting the speeches of Winston Churchill for their benefit. Their mission was simple, pick up the leaflets as they fell and protect the country from this evil propaganda.

Meanwhile, Bomber Command was given explicit instructions that their primary target was to be the factory producing the leaflets. All efforts were turned to locating this insipid base of operations.

For two months, the fate of the free world rested on the shoulders of those brave paperboys in their lead-weighted suits. Many of them died in the service of their country, we will never forget them.

The people of Europe had no such protection in the interim, many peoples turned to the Dark Side of the Force...err...I mean became fanatical Nazis and fought for their old enemies. It is rumoured that even Stalin became a Nazi for the best part of a month before his Doctor could slap him back to consciousness. Many people say they never noticed the difference.

Eventually, in a combined midnight raid by Commandos and British bombers, the leaflet factory was obliterated in a rather spectacular explosion.

The world had been saved and, despite the fact that many of the Commandos infiltrating the factory turned against their comrades at the last moment due to exposure to massive amounts of "Nazi-Juice", they will always be remembered as the heroes they were.

 Now, after that incredibly long-winded introduction, and for the first time, we are able to reveal some of this "secret warfare".

And do not fear, we have in no way been affected by any of this evil "Nazi-Juice", oh no...Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Schnell!

Oh bugger.

Document I

Initially prepared to encourage volunteers for the army this poster was translated into English to reveal Hitler's plans to turn the Polish countryside into one massive theme park. The British populace was disturbingly interested in this proposition and many ports had to be blocked by the Royal Navy to prevent defection.

Document II

Extremely satisfied with the way the war is going, Hitler pays a visit to the recently conquered city of Paris. Realising that he has a completely intact city on his hands due to French cowardice concerning their capital, the Fuhrer decides that this would be a very nice spot for his troops to relax.

Document III

Drawing on his little known pre-war career as a stand-up comedian, Hitler tried desperately to convince the British people of his veracity.

Straight to the Comments Page if you want to complain...