MINISTRY
OF TRUTH
Ever since the founding of
S.INC, the Ministry of Truth has been regarded by all people both within and
without the organisation as a professional, impartial organisation, dedicated
to uncovering evil conspiracies around the world. It was the MoT that
uncovered the hidden Nazi propaganda that so nearly turned the tide in the war
(see our Nazi pages for more information). It was the MoT who uncovered the
fiendish plot by the French to bring about the downfall of sliced bread in
England (see our French pages) and, it was MoT agents who discovered that huge
amounts of raw Tartrazine forced down a prisoner's throat can send him
completely and utterly insane, thus rendering him useless for further
interrogation... Now that was an interesting experiment.
As an adjunct to the S.INC
Internal Security Services, the MoT is working tirelessly to protect our
people from the evil vagaries of Communists around the planet. In our wars
against France, Wales, and the People's Republic of Camden, the MoT is
constantly seeking to find the edge in our struggle against tyranny. They also
do a wonderful line in chocolate-coated shortbread at their annual bazaars.
Small wonder then, that there
are certain people in Governments around the world who are scared of what the
MoT might uncover about them one day. Files are locked away underground, never
to see the light of day again. People are imprisoned, so that they may never
again speak the deadly secrets of their country. And carrier pigeons that once
carried secret communiqués across front lines are calmly slaughtered and
baked in a nice pie because they know too much. Will the carnage never end?
Here, for the first time, are
some of the secrets uncovered by our selfless servants.
All
the super-sleek sexy looking planes flown by the American Government are
actually designed and built in LEGOLAND, Denmark. The mythical "Lockheed
Skunkworks" in the States (where these things are alleged to be built)
contain nothing more than the world's second-largest train set. On the second
floor. The first floor is of course where all those pointless domino-toppling
competitions are held to feature on "Record Breakers" or
whatever news program wants the article because it's a bad news day. This is
the largest conspiracy known to man.
The
world's LARGEST train set is actually housed in "Area 51" in the
Nevada desert. No, honestly, that's why it's so secret!
For
some reason, this is the world's SECOND largest conspiracy. Go figure.
NASA
has a seemingly endless budget supplied by the American Government, right?
WRONG.
The
entire Space Shuttle program for example has been financed from the beginning
by toothpaste conglomerate COLGATE. Many people are spectacularly unaware that
the real reason the thing is coated in enamel tiles is so that Colgate can
test their new formulas. A week in space is the equivalent of a lifetime's
wear on human teeth and when the shuttle returns next time, keep an eye out
for any enormous sort of brush-type things hanging around Cape Kennedy or
whatever it's called. If you ever get close enough, look out for the sponsor's
logo on the side of the Shuttle, it's there, we promise you.
The
fact that the Shuttle can deliver satellites into orbit is purely secondary
and goes at least part of the way to helping Colgate recoup their research and
development costs.
The
proof of all this? Every Colgate advert features a shiny sparkly
"ring" around people's teeth when they smile. This is an in-joke at
the toothpaste factory where all the workers know that this ring represents
the orbiting Shuttle. Makes sense doesn't it?
Bill
Clinton did not inhale because he is not of this world. He breathes through
tiny gills on the top of his head and shits caviar.
DNA
testing is now so advanced that some local Councils have developed "Shit
sniffer" DNA detectors to identify the culprits of any stools found on
the pavements of many of Britain's finest cities. Every dog in the area has a
collar tagged with its DNA signature. These are also recorded in the Council's
computer system. When the "Shit-sniffer" device is passed over the
stool, an identity number flashes up on an LCD screen and the dog responsible
is found and the owner fined.
Coincidentally,
the local tramp population of many of these Councils has declined recently.
Many
people fail to appreciate that the moon orbiting the Earth is artificial in
construction. The strange lighting effects on the surface apparently caused by
the relative positions of the moon and our sun, are in fact caused by internal
lights deep inside the satellite switching on and off in huge banks.
The
moon was actually constructed in 1917 by Kaiser Wilhelm in a desperate attempt
to win the Great War raging at the time. No-one knows quite how an enormous
artificial planetoid some 3,000 miles in diameter was supposed to assist him
in his endeavours in the trenches, but he built it anyway. When Germany lost
the war, the keys to the moon were handed over to the Americans in return for
everyone leaving the Kaiser alone.
Ancient
historical records were changed to make it appear that the moon had been there
all the time.
The
famous moon-landings of 1969 were actually staged to enable someone to change
the spark plugs, which were getting a bit worn.
Real
fish do not exist.
The
man we know as Saddam Hussein was in fact an out-of-work actor named Terry who
was living in Brisbane before he was picked by the Americans to appear live on
TV and invade Kuwait. The entire Gulf War was staged to sell a bunch of
second-hand military equipment to some Arabs who didn't know any better.
Co-financers of this scheme were the news corporations who are still making a
killing out of the repeat fees.
Orange
juice makes cars run better.
Green
T-shirts are cancerous.
Another
cause of cancer is biro ink. Many people who are in the habit of writing
reminders on their hands are now walking around with words like "Ring
Angela" scribbled on their hands in ugly raised cancerous growths.
It
is physically impossible for a helicopter to fly. The flying effect is
actually caused by tiny gravity-repulsors at the base of the helicopter. This
is kept secret by the United Nations because if everyone knew the truth, they
would all be a lot happier.
Cats
are artificial.
Teabags
do not contain any tea. They are actually filled with earth extracted during
the construction of the channel tunnel. The tea-flavour comes from the bag
itself. This disposal of the huge amounts of material gouged out from under
the sea was the cheapest option available to the builders of the tunnel at the
time.
Skyscrapers
are super-intelligent beings formed during the creation of the Earth. They are
our masters. We serve them.
People
who wear glasses are actually provided them by their Governments because they
are dangerous lunatics. The magical properties of the special glass used
restrict the wearers' thoughts to mundane humdrum things like cleaning out the
toilet or washing the dog.
Television
screens are made of the same glass and have much the same effect, but on a
smaller scale due to their distance from the user. This is how people are
controlled by our Skyscraper masters.
One
Charles Herbert Andreas, of Newcastle upon Tyne invented the spray-on
disposable wetsuit in 1925. The special canisters he created sprayed a
rubber-like substance onto the body, which was then dried by the heat of the
wearer. The wearer's body hairs caused a one millimetre gap to appear between
the skin and the suit, which was later removed by simply peeling the rubber
off in strips.
Like
many other things, this invention was suppressed by the Skyscrapers as they
could not control us when we were underwater. That's why dolphins are so happy
with their lot. Wet bastards.
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