If we can't have the world, no-one can!

SINISTER WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...

We wouldn't be much of a hidden Superpower without some pretty damned impressive hardware to back us up.  So to prove that we aren't bluffing, here is our brief guide to Why You Shouldn't Mess With Us.

Readers of a nervous disposition are highly recommended to stop reading NOW.

 1.    The simple old-fashioned Fox-Class Nuclear Missile (Nuke for short).

They're simple to use - a bit messy, but doesn't it just scare the absolute CRAP out of you to learn that we've got some?  Well, that's the intention!  Yes, we have them everywhere - aboard our Submarines, on our island, and even in the attic!  And we won't be afraid to use them if it comes down to it.

But, since we aren't Russian, because everyone knows what a Nuke IS, and because we pride ourselves on not necessarily needing brute force to prove a point - we won't go on about these useful little tools too much - and we'll let you read on about the really SEXY weapons we have at our disposal...

2.    The MK3 Orbiting DeathLaser.

It has been said that power comes through the fear of force, and not the use of force itself.  Most of us here think that's total bollocks, but just on the off-chance that whoever said it was right, and in case any of you ever attempt to annoy the hell out of us - you would do well to bear in mind that skimming right above your heads at a distance above the planet of approximately 150 miles, right AT THIS VERY MOMENT, will be one of our many orbiting spheres of death - disguised as simple GPS satellites.  

The MK3 DeathLaser is capable of such acts as incinerating an entire continent - or can equally be used for such delicate tasks as removing a single hair from the head of a small child (though why you'd want to do this when a perfectly good pair of tweezers would suffice is beyond us).  With DeathLasers installed on board a series of small but deadly satellites, the network can be trained INSTANTLY on any part of the planet Earth - including Cardiff.  So watch out - Boyo.

3.    The Harridan Class Nuclear Submarine.

Consisting of a total class of ten fast and deadly submarines, this is our primary weapons platform.  The Harridan was based loosely on a series of stolen plans of the USA's Los Angeles class attack sub' that we found in the Detroit branch of McDonalds - what a stroke of luck eh?  The main departure from the design however was the inclusion on board each vessel of four short vertical missile launch tubes, each capable of firing a small atomic warhead at a ground-based target, or even a single DeathLaser satellite into orbit.  Although only four vertical tubes are aboard each vessel, total nuclear warhead magazine capacity is 28 missiles.   Each vessel also has a total of six forward-firing and two rear-firing torpedo tubes and the galleys have some really cool electronically controlled chip-fryers that have to be seen to be believed.

Obviously, the primary use of the Harridan is defensive - to patrol local waters around S.INC Island, but the very fact that the fleet exists at all ensures S.INC's very survival.  Of the fleet, approximately 50% are in dock in S.INC Island or in local waters at one time, with the remaining 50% tasked to patrol the oceans of the world - and to project S.INC power everywhere.  And only two people know where each vessel is at any moment - the Captain of the particular sub' and our esteemed CEO, Doctor Sinister.  So there.

4.    The patented Type 3 Quantum Generator.

This one is very clever - even if we say so ourselves.  The principle of this weapon combines two scientific theories - and manages to both prove and disprove them both.  Don't ask me how, I'm only sitting here typing this from some scrawly handwritten notes.  Damned scientists...

The idea for the weapon first came to us about three years ago after watching a rather natty episode of "Tomorrow's World".  We can't actually remember which feature prompted the idea as we were too busy looking at Phillipa Forester's tits.  But we were inspired nonetheless.

To design our weapon, firstly we had to get our heads around some rather complicated Quantum Mechanics theories and this took us some time.  After lunch, we started sketching the plans.

Quantum Theory sort of demonstrates that light can be both a wave and a particle - although according to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle if you try and pin it down to being either - you bugger up the whole thing.  "The more accurately you measure the velocity of a particle, the less accurately you measure it's position".  Basically - if you look at something you are experimenting on, you screw up the experiment and you won't get an accurate result.  Unfortunately, or, fortunately as it turns out, our Chief Scientists took this to mean that if you actually LOOK at anything you are doing - you'll get it wrong.  So they threw away the detailed plans to our new Superweapon and just stuffed some things into a box and hoped they worked.  Somehow - this approach worked.

The second principle upon which this weapon is based is one of the basic precepts of Chaos Theory and cause and effect - "the Butterfly Effect".  Put simply, it is said that a single butterfly flapping its wings in a meadow, is capable of ultimately causing a Hurricane three thousand miles away.

Extending this premise to its logical conclusion - the core of the Type 3 Quantum Generator has 500 Red Admiral butterflies hardwired into its internal matrix (these are the only elements that are fixed to anything in our box - in line with this uncertainty business...), creating possibly the most devastating weapon known to mankind.  

The Type 1 machine (at the time referred to as a mere "Quantum Agitator" by our techie-bods here) contained only ten Butterflies and was first test-fired in 1998.  It caused the major flooding in Bangkok that made us all laugh so much.  The Type 2 version, built in late 1999 held three thousand Butterflies but regrettably had to be destroyed as it was discovered that its very existence was destabilising the fabric of the universe and causing the milk in the fridge to go sour.

5.    The APX-9 Doomsday Device - a.k.a. "Planet-Cracker".

As you should be aware, S.INC's motto is "If we can’t have the world, no-one can”.  And we mean it.  This weapon was constructed as our last resort global devastator in the event that it all goes tits-up.  

The APX-9 is a network of buried nuclear warheads - distributed around the planet at various undersea fault lines.  The APX-9 network was placed in secret over a six-month period by our fleet of Harridan submarines, at great personal risk to the crews, whom we commend.

It's really quite simple - if all our plans fail, or if we just get fed up, we press the button and EVERYBODY dies.  The APX-9 is quite capable of tearing asunder the entire planet Earth at our whim.

We've even got a special button for the job.  It's mauve.  Why is it mauve?  Well, it would have been red, but that was a bit of a cliche according to the Focus Group we hired.  They went on to say that the use of a big red button would be too "aggressive" to destroy everything.

We've even made the Mauve Button portable.

What does this mean for you?  Well, for a start there would be no more episodes of Eastenders.  Yes - THAT'S got your attention hasn't it?  Are you taking us seriously NOW?

So ask yourself this question - would life under S.INC be SO BAD compared to no life, or no more episodes of Eastenders at all?

Here endeth the lesson.