1

NEWS AGENCIES

So, you've decided you want a war. Something to get the old trigger fingers of your fine nation working like they've never worked before. Before you do ANYTHING ELSE, call CNN and get all the journalists on your side. And make sure you get a cut of the repeat fees. Just remember this one thing, and you'll be raking in the profits for years to come, even in the unlikely event that you lose the war itself.

2

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT ABOUT?

Choose your cause carefully. Be original. Don't go off the handle just because you are being squeezed economically by South Korea or verbally attacked by some git in the White House. Make sure that you are going to war for a GOOD REASON. Oil is a good reason, although not particularly original. Don't choose this. Think of something else. How about the world's first war over knitting patterns? Now that would be interesting. Go on, give us all a laugh.

3

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT?

Whilst we appreciate that your war is probably going to be quite closely linked to whatever it is you are upset about (and therefore very local), just please bear in mind that border disputes are OLD HAT. Choose some other country to attack to give us all something to talk about. How about China? They aren't very powerful, You could probably beat them in a couple of months. Get past that stupid wall and you are laughing all the way to Peking! Bear in mind the issue we discussed in point 1 above. If you attacked China, just think of all the airtime you would give to all those burnt out military strategists over the world as they talked about your massive build-up of arms and equipment! THINK PUBLICITY. Saddam had the right idea, even if it was over boring old oil. So did Thatch' with the Falklands, because you can't get much further away than that.

4

BUYING YOUR WEAPONS

You don't need any help with this one. There is only one place to buy your equipment and that is: FROM THE COUNTRY YOU ARE ABOUT TO ATTACK. This is a standard tactic to give the second-rate military speculators and self-appointed moral guardians something to talk about when the war has finished. KATE ADIE, ARE YOU LISTENING?

5

TROOP BUILDUPS

A good tip to remember here is to buy lots of umbrellas for your army. They are brilliant at hiding any people beneath them and this means that the enemy CANNOT ACCURATELY DETERMINE THE SIZE OF YOUR ARMY. As they pour over their thousands of expensive satellite pictures, staring at the mass of umbrellas on the battlefields, they will now have to GUESS just how many troopers each of your umbrellas conceals underneath. This will either cause them to deploy thousands more troops than necessary at vital points so you can hit them from the rear at undefended areas, or not enough men at all, so you can overwhelm them with sheer force of numbers yourself, assuming of course that you have hidden fifteen men under each brolly to start with. As an extra bonus, in the former scenario mentioned above, all those enemy soldiers crammed into one place will be tripping over each others' feet, leaving you the easy option of picking them off with machine guns as they fall about themselves. In the latter case, the lack of troops on the front line means that you should be able to find a gap large enough to drive your army through unseen. This tactic cannot fail. An advanced version of this tactic is to get each of your battalions to hold up a large umbrella-shaped TENT to hide beneath. When the enemy see the apparent size of the umbrellas approaching, they will have to waste valuable time recalibrating their satellite cameras while you drive into their capital city. Many people fail to appreciate that the annual Tennis tournaments at Wimbledon are in fact co-ordinated by the military to test this Top Secret umbrella tactic. 

6

IF POSSIBLE...

...try and include war with France in your plans somewhere. You don't need a reason, just do it. It's all they deserve. If you must have a reason, mention something about Nukes in the South Pacific or something...yeah, that'll do. Anyone who needlessly attacks a stage production must be bad.

7

DON'T ATTACK ENGLAND

Because you won't win. No one who has ever attacked England or declared war on England has ever won the resulting conflict. Look at what happened to Napoleon. And Hitler. And William the Conq...hang on, no that isn't right. OK, let's get this one straight once and for all. The ONLY REASON William the Conqueror won was because he was SO DETERMINED to get away from the French who, as we may have briefly mentioned elsewhere, are scum. Oh yeah, and he CHEATED anyway by attacking an army that was so-shagged out after fighting his Viking cousins up north that they just couldn't be arsed any more. And they killed the English King, which really is not on in a war. There. I've said it.

8

ONE AT A TIME

For those of you clamouring for world domination, remember to never open up more than one front at a time. This is because the news agencies hate having to split their programs in half like this. Oh yeah, and you'll probably lose. I knew there was another reason for not doing this. Obviously, Sinister Incorporated does not subscribe to this theory, as we are stupidly powerful. And we have our own Government run news agency anyway. So don't go attacking us either. Get it? 

9

NEVER MARCH ON MOSCOW

As Monty once said, this is Rule One appearing on Page One of the Rules of War. Just Nuke the mother. It's an overrated rat-hole anyway. 

10

ALLIES

Are useful, but don't select Italy. They only care about their bloody suits and will probably betray you halfway through anyway. In fact, you are probably better off nuking them to start with. Along with France. And Wales.

And the People's Republic of Camden.